Premature stress endorsed aging!!!!

STRESS STRESS STRESS!!

The whole world runs on money, without it you fall behind not only financially but socially as well. You begin to live the life of a hermit. No one knows (or cares) if you're alive as you never leave your house cause you simply cannot afford to waste that precious petrol in your car or even the $3 it would take to buy a coffee from paying your bills, loan repayments, and groceries...
I am but a student! I work as a casual worker and no matter how hard i work and study nothing is going anywhere! I'm only a student! Where's the consideration and compassion in this cruel, money-dominated world!? How can anyone expect me to support my family of 4 cause of my unemployed parents and a boyfriend who is also unemployed with only a casual work position!? Its a fucking miracle i've been able to do that for the past 2.5 months! Spending so much money on feeding all these mouths and even putting money towards my partner's hobbies of sports to the point where i can't even afford to buy necessary essentials. Forget socializing. Thats a distant dream that is impossible to achieve till people learn that they can't live off another!
No one will understand the pain and stress of being surrounded by like-aged friends and being the only one who can't shop or even buy something on impulse, even if it costs only $1!!! without the worry of not being able to feed myself for one day. Every fucking day i don on clothes that are over three years old.. clothes that are far too big or even have rips and tears and every fucking day this process kills me. To know that no matter how much i hate how i look.. no matter how tattered my clothes get that i can't change this fact. Some people may just think that this is just some first-world girl problem. Don't condescend me. Don't underestimate social exclusion and its effects. We live in a world where your appearance and materialistic possessions ranks your social standing and position. And i have lived the life of a pauper for over 5 years but have hit an all time low in these recent months.
Everyday, i feel like i'm hovering on the brink of tears.. on the brink of a mental breakdown. When will you start to help me out?.. I've spent all this time telling you that you should get a job just to fill up your work experience.. and you didn't listen to me. You were complacent. And now I'm the one thats suffering from your inconsiderate and lazy choice you made. This is just not fair. I shouldn't have to spend my hard earned money making myself miserable. I shouldn't have to stress everyday about the day's budget. I shouldn't have to cry every week cause i can't make ends meet. I shouldn't have to live this way. You keep asking why i lack self-confidence.. Have you ever seen someone who can be confident in themselves when they have nothing to their name? How can i be proud or happy with myself when i spend everyday like a stingy bitch who can't even hang out with friends, when i dress everyday in clothes that bring me the discomfort of ill-fitting clothes, when i'm studying a course that is going nowhere, when i have to come home to a family and partner that needs me for my money?
MONEY, MONEY, MONEY.... thats all the world is about, that's all i'm ever about yet i am never in possession of it. Life for me has become a daily struggle with calculating and maintaining a budget of under $25.. It's harder than you think when you rarely make that from your job..
I can't keep living like this.. I want out.. Everyday just feels so unfair and stressful. When will i ever just be allowed to be myself? Why am i constantly having to live in the shadow and burden of providing for another? You will never understand.. I'm providing for you more than i'm providing for myself.. letting you continue with your bowling and oztag hobbies at the cost of my hobby of meeting up with my friends.. I pay for all your bills, meals and means of transport as i pay for my own bills, petrol and meals. Yet after all those essentials are calculated out of my fortnightly income, next is your hobbies. Whats left after that? Nothing. We live this way week after week after week...
how much longer am i doing to be bled dry like this?... I've lived this way for far too long... When will i ever be able to confidently walk down a street market and buy something without having to think about the consequence of loosing a meal? When will i ever be able to immediately replace a used up piece of cosmetic without having to wait for the next big payday? When will i ever be able to start saving for my own future?... Am i to continue living this day-by-day life providing sustenance for others before myself?
I come here to rant the emotions that i can never tell.. why? Cause i love him so dearly.. cause i know he's trying.. cause i know he loves me too.. and hearing all this from me would destroy him further than what i am now.. and i just can't do that to him. He feels enough guilt as it is.. far too much guilt.. If putting up with all this gives and maintains that bit of hope for him, that bit of hope that keeps him searching for employment and studying, then i will willingly go through this torturous daily routine of stress, budget calculations, emotional rollercoaster of low self-esteem and social exclusion, just to give you that hope.
Don't fuck it up. I can't spend all my life  with a man who can't support himself, yet alone our future together. I need you to pull through for me, not just for money but to show me that you have something bigger to offer me.. a life together.
I love you... but i need you to show me we can have a life together if you want me to stay...

another year has passed..

I've felt a strange urge to re-visit this blogspace lately and when i finally got around to it i see that the last post was written by him.
It makes me sadder still knowing you felt this way and took so long to act on it, to leave her and to focus on just me again, took you so long to say that you love me..
We've remained friends and in contact as you wished.. yet we're still not where I want to be. I'm still waiting and now i'm just even more confused as to why i'm waiting when you've felt that way for so long..
Yeah it did end badly.. it ended really  badly. But we began to acquaint ourselves with the new us. I'm no longer the same girl i used to be.. and you're no longer the same boy. We've matured and grown and have come to know what we want in our lives. so i can confidently say..
I. want. you... even though we've been apart for over a year.. there's been no one else for me..
i've known for a long time that you were someone who i was going to play a big role in my life

I can only hope and wish that you feel the same way.. and if you do, that you'll once again ask me to be yours.

we spend almost everyday together but its not the same.. I miss you. I need you to show me that you miss me too.. not as a friend.. not as that special girl.. but as your girlfriend...

First post of 2012..

Autumn leaves have fallen, Winter is approaching. At a station i stand .. More lonely than ever. Recalling the last four years. The good and the bad. The good and the bad .. It got very bad. What am i to do? I still want you in my life. Still need you in my life. Need you so much, need you so bad. Im stubborn this way .. Putting you through the motions. I really hope you reconsider. Its so painful this way. Memories .. There were so many .. I fucked it up for the both of us. I know you'll probably never see this. This post thats so hard to write. I just wish .. I just wish that even though we're not together And that you'll probably never will forgive. I do wish we just communicate .. Be more than acquaintences. Be a little more friendly. I just want to see you smile a little. See that you are well. That you are looking after yourself. Honestly, i care so much for you. Even if you beg to differ. Im missing you so much. I hate this part right here. I still do have feelings for you .. I do still love you.

I LOVE YOU BABY!!!
AND EVERYTHING YOU DO!!!
AND EVERYTHING YOU ARE!!!
love nam.

i miss you . . . =(

5 weeks left

2 WEEKS OF SCHOOL LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!
5 WEEKS TIL HSC!!!!!!! =O







one word...
STRESSS!!!!!!

IM BACK =) kinda epic fail that i havent posted lately, =)

for the last 5 days, i have spent it with my dearest Rachel Han

she's a smart little cookie that one, came second in chemistry =)

found out today =)

well this week i met Rachel's grandparents, they both seem to

approve me =) so its all good, saw them briefly today =)

we just did some random stuff this week, SABILLAS is the bomb

has confirmed its status as the BOMB

so nice, even ask Drew =)

super good that stuff =)

this week has gone by pretty fast, oh and my aunty came over from THE STATES

=) lots of candy she brought over

I LOVE EVERYONE =)

making this a quick one =)

oh finished EYESHIELD 21 as well this week, it is the BOMB

I LOVE RACHEL =)